What to record first

The rule

Ask about objects, rooms, routines, and sounds. Do not ask about periods, feelings, or life. "Tell me about your childhood" gets you a paragraph of summary from someone who is trying to be helpful. "What did the kitchen smell like on a Sunday?" gets you ten minutes, three names, and an argument about whether it was Sundays or Saturdays.

The feelings arrive on their own, attached to the objects. They do not arrive when you ask for them directly.

For a grandparent or older relative

What did your mother's handwriting look like. What did you get in trouble for. What was the first thing you bought with your own money. Who was the funniest person in your family. What song was always on. What did your father do with his hands. What did the house sound like on a Sunday morning. What was in your pockets when you were twelve. Who taught you to cook, and what. What did you think being an adult would be like.

What were you frightened of. What was the longest journey you made as a child. What did your first job pay. What did you argue about at dinner. Who did you write letters to.

For a parent

What were you like at my age. What did you almost do instead. What was the hardest year and why. What do you wish you had asked your own parents. What did you learn from your grandmother. What did you think when you first held me. What is the family trait nobody admits to. What is a decision you would make differently.

For a child

What was the best part of today. What is something you hope never changes. What is the funniest thing anyone in this family does. What do you think grown-ups get wrong. Who do you want to be like. What do you want to remember about this house. What is your favourite thing we do that other families don't.

For yourself

What is currently annoying you. What happened at dinner. What do you keep meaning to do. What are you worried about that you have not said out loud. What was funny this week. What do you want the version of you in ten years to remember about right now.

This last group is the one people skip and later wish they had not. Parents document their children exhaustively and themselves almost never, which leaves the child, thirty years on, with ten thousand photographs of themselves and almost no record of who their parents actually were.

The order to work in

Start with this week, because it proves the habit takes no time. Then do the urgent thing: photographs whose subjects only the oldest person in the family can identify. Then work outward opportunistically — record the story every time you catch yourself telling it.